The Last Minute

On a recent morning I went to a yoga class to hit back at the headache creeping up through my shoulders. Sometimes I prefer beginner's yoga classes because I don't feel the pressure of performance. I am familiar with the poses, and how to modify or challenge myself with them. But another distinct part of that truth is that I get far fewer funny looks in a beginner's class. I fully recognize that this world isn't built for me and that I have to navigate that. The truth is that I am not just the "inner beauty" that I've heard myself referred to. I am also a vessel that holds that in, of knit together skin, a puzzle of bones and muscle and fat beneath it. And it doesn't meet standards that many people believe it should. So the morning when I took a yoga class and the two women behind me started talking, snarking, and giggling pointedly at me I started that familiar fall into myself. Their ridicule was a reminder that I don't belong in this world. I

Dear God, I don't know if you are there, but these last few weeks have not gone well. A week and a half ago I made a momentary poor choice that destroyed my not very old and very expensive laptop. Two days after I did that, I was nervous and upset and scratched the bumper of my brand new car backing out of a parking space. A few days after that I learned a medical test did not come back with good results and I had to start taking a higher dose of medication and add a second one. Today the passenger side mirror on that brand new the car I just made the very first payment on was shattered. Tonight my mouth is vacillating between medicated tingling and throbbing nerve pain from dental work I have finally have the insurance and money and time to have done. I feel like I'm watching the money I make every day float out of my bank account before I even see it, and there's some difficult transitions at work, and I have had a lingering cough for a few weeks that is making it harde

A few days ago I stepped on a dip in the sidewalk and my ankle started to cave. I knew this feeling well and I waited for the inevitable collapse and meeting with the pavement. Instead of finding myself sprawled on the ground, my ankle wobbled back into its space. It didn't give in to the ground. When I caught my balance and began to walk again I could feel the soreness creep in, the tendons slightly stretched and weakened. I originally tore those tendons jumping on a trampoline at night, leaping around with too many other barely teenagers in the dark, giggles and laughter marking our rebellion at doing something slightly dangerous. For years after that first fall, painful sprains and and discomfort plagued me. Sometimes in the summer that foot still gets puffy and swells up around the spot of the initial injury and the ones that came after. Finally, after spending enough time limping around and enough trips to the emergency room with swelling and pain I saw a Dr. who prescribed