Reasons Why I Have Cried While Pregnant
I'm not a huge crier when I'm sad or even happy. 99% of the time it happens because I am PMSing and otherwise it's because I am so incredibly stressed out I no longer have a hold on my emotions. So...usually tears arrive before I take a test or because it's 3am and I'm on page 20 of a ten page paper and I still have like 30 things to talk about.
But since said alien took up residence in my uterus I cry all of the time. At least once per day. I have no grip on my emotional filter at all. This manifests in more ways than tears. Like the time I wanted to cross the street and this guy was being a total douchecanoe in his fancy little mid-life crisis penis car and I gave him the finger like it was no problem and screamed a nasty little list of profanities about how pedestrians had the right-of-way. I promise I don't behave like that in public generally. But pregnancy makes you do scary things. I generally don't recommend it if you don't want to experience slight insanity.
Inspired by that blog by that guy about why his three-year-old is crying, I bring you this ongoing list of reasons why I have cried during pregnancy. I am keeping this, because sometimes I do get the emotional over-burdened freaked-out tears. And I need a reason to laugh at myself and my totally irrationality due to this incredible surge of hormones and weirdness. Then I figured, why shouldn't I share this hilarity with the world/someone else? Some of these reasons are legitimate and kinda sad, some of them are blatantly selfish and ridiculous but like at least 70% are really funny and maybe will make you laugh too. Especially if you, like me, are finding or have found that pregnancy is not really all fairy dust and joy and thrills and excitement. That sometimes, you just want to hear a voice that isn't like "OMG. BABIES I AM SO HAPPY BABIES AND LOOK AT MY AWESOME BELLY, I AM GOING TO HAVE THE BEST BABY OF ALL BABIES. OMG PREGNANCY AND BABIES AND BEING A PARENT IS AWESOME." And more like "Dude, this kinda sucks and I do a lot of stupid things because of it"
So without further ado: 40 reasons why I have cried while pregnant (currently in development):
1. The test was positive
2. The next four tests were positive.
3. I couldn't have beer for a really long time.
4. My husband told me it would be all be okay.
5. I had heartburn (This has been a tearful moment more than once, people).
6. I wanted ALL THE DRUGS at the birth and people were going to judge me.
7. I didn't want to move out of our apartment.
8. We didn't have any chocolate.
9. Our cat wouldn't get attention anymore. (any of you who know my husband and his love for this cat know this is patently false)
10. A girl on What Not to Wear had low self-esteem
11. I was going to be boring after becoming a parent.
12. My friends were going to hate me.
13. I was going to hate the baby and resent it for ruining my 20's.
14. Someone would post pictures of me in the delivery room on Facebook.
15. I was never going to want to have sex again.
16. The alien was going to be an atheist and hate the Church.
...ten minutes later... 17. The alien was going to be a Born-Again biblical-literalist and a Republican and run for president and I couldn't vote for them.
18. I have good health insurance
19. My boobs hurt.
20. I was hot.
21. I was cold.
22. I can't have as much COFFEE :(:(:(:(:( (Let's be honest, this is a totally legitimate reason to cry though).
23. Any commercial involving animals.
24. Because strippers and sex-workers have a hard life (Inspired by a strip-club commercial).
25. I couldn't poop on command.
26. Vomiting.
27. Because the cat climbed on the bed and woke me up.
28. Setting: The Middle of Target-------Reason for Tears: Gendered toys
29. The milk went bad.
30. Setting: In Bed at 2am----Reason for Tears: I had an itch and I was too comfortable to scratch it.
31. I had to pee for the third time during a class.
32. Monday.
33. The deli where we were picking up lunch was out of giant dill pickles.
34. Pumking was on tap at the bar.
35. I got put on modified bed rest for two weeks and wanted to take a walk.
36. A multitude of times while watching Ellen DeGeneres
37. I had to buy new bras.
38. I was tired.
39. Pants were uncomfortable.
40. I left the house and wore "mom clothes" and no make-up.
As I look at this there are several themes to what is going on here. I'm going to update this again. Because more hilarious reasons happen all the time.
But since said alien took up residence in my uterus I cry all of the time. At least once per day. I have no grip on my emotional filter at all. This manifests in more ways than tears. Like the time I wanted to cross the street and this guy was being a total douchecanoe in his fancy little mid-life crisis penis car and I gave him the finger like it was no problem and screamed a nasty little list of profanities about how pedestrians had the right-of-way. I promise I don't behave like that in public generally. But pregnancy makes you do scary things. I generally don't recommend it if you don't want to experience slight insanity.
Inspired by that blog by that guy about why his three-year-old is crying, I bring you this ongoing list of reasons why I have cried during pregnancy. I am keeping this, because sometimes I do get the emotional over-burdened freaked-out tears. And I need a reason to laugh at myself and my totally irrationality due to this incredible surge of hormones and weirdness. Then I figured, why shouldn't I share this hilarity with the world/someone else? Some of these reasons are legitimate and kinda sad, some of them are blatantly selfish and ridiculous but like at least 70% are really funny and maybe will make you laugh too. Especially if you, like me, are finding or have found that pregnancy is not really all fairy dust and joy and thrills and excitement. That sometimes, you just want to hear a voice that isn't like "OMG. BABIES I AM SO HAPPY BABIES AND LOOK AT MY AWESOME BELLY, I AM GOING TO HAVE THE BEST BABY OF ALL BABIES. OMG PREGNANCY AND BABIES AND BEING A PARENT IS AWESOME." And more like "Dude, this kinda sucks and I do a lot of stupid things because of it"
So without further ado: 40 reasons why I have cried while pregnant (currently in development):
1. The test was positive
2. The next four tests were positive.
3. I couldn't have beer for a really long time.
4. My husband told me it would be all be okay.
5. I had heartburn (This has been a tearful moment more than once, people).
6. I wanted ALL THE DRUGS at the birth and people were going to judge me.
7. I didn't want to move out of our apartment.
8. We didn't have any chocolate.
9. Our cat wouldn't get attention anymore. (any of you who know my husband and his love for this cat know this is patently false)
10. A girl on What Not to Wear had low self-esteem
11. I was going to be boring after becoming a parent.
12. My friends were going to hate me.
13. I was going to hate the baby and resent it for ruining my 20's.
14. Someone would post pictures of me in the delivery room on Facebook.
15. I was never going to want to have sex again.
16. The alien was going to be an atheist and hate the Church.
...ten minutes later... 17. The alien was going to be a Born-Again biblical-literalist and a Republican and run for president and I couldn't vote for them.
18. I have good health insurance
19. My boobs hurt.
20. I was hot.
21. I was cold.
22. I can't have as much COFFEE :(:(:(:(:( (Let's be honest, this is a totally legitimate reason to cry though).
23. Any commercial involving animals.
24. Because strippers and sex-workers have a hard life (Inspired by a strip-club commercial).
25. I couldn't poop on command.
26. Vomiting.
27. Because the cat climbed on the bed and woke me up.
28. Setting: The Middle of Target-------Reason for Tears: Gendered toys
29. The milk went bad.
30. Setting: In Bed at 2am----Reason for Tears: I had an itch and I was too comfortable to scratch it.
31. I had to pee for the third time during a class.
32. Monday.
33. The deli where we were picking up lunch was out of giant dill pickles.
34. Pumking was on tap at the bar.
35. I got put on modified bed rest for two weeks and wanted to take a walk.
36. A multitude of times while watching Ellen DeGeneres
37. I had to buy new bras.
38. I was tired.
39. Pants were uncomfortable.
40. I left the house and wore "mom clothes" and no make-up.
As I look at this there are several themes to what is going on here. I'm going to update this again. Because more hilarious reasons happen all the time.
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